Have You Seen My Teeth?

It's not hard to know when you've been on a bad date. And most people that I have spoken too can pinpoint the exact moment in a date when things went very awry. Having recently reexamined my dating history I found that for me, the worst date I've ever been on actually began the morning after the date.

My date was Sky. The tall, handsome, JCREW model type, who spoke two languages and was entering the foreign service. We went out for drinks and ended up closing the bar. Since we were both too drunk to drive and since he lived well out of town, I had no choice but to take him back to my place. We made out. It was nice. It was very nice in fact. I remember Sky saying he was hungry at some point and he got up to make some food in my kitchen. I wasn't hungry at all and told him that I was going to sleep and that he had sofa duty. He laughed and said he understood and that he would be very quite while making some food. I kissed him good night not knowing that would be the last time I would ever kiss Sky.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of rummaging. I dragged my alcohol leadened limbs out of bed and into the living room where I found Sky frantically searching the living room.

"What's going on?", I asked.

"I'm just looking for my things", he said, the sound of underlying fear sneaking through his otherwise calm voice.

"Need some help?", I offered.

"Ugh, no, it's OK. I'll find them."

"No seriously, what are you looking for? Maybe I know where we set them last night?"

"No really I'll find them."

"OK, I said," as I stumbled into the bathroom.

I brushed my teeth and let the hot water of the shower slowly wake me up. I hadn't drank that much in a long time and I was feeling the first hint of a hang over. Which for me translates into still being drunk. I state this fact, that of still being drunk, in order to honor the fact that many who read what is to follow will think that I am lying. The truth is that drunk or sober, I could never make THIS up.

I emerge from the bathroom, turban wrapped around my head, warm towel wrapped around me only to find Sky still searching the apartment with an increasing sense of urgency and panic. I approach him cautiously, as at this point I'm sure things are not going as well as I had thought they were. My gut told me that something bad was about to happen.

"Sky?", I ask hesitantly.

No response.

"Sky?", I ask again, louder this time.

No response.

"Sky?" I yell this time while grabbing his arm. "What is wrong?"

And without hesitation, my JCREW man looks me in the eye and says, "Babe, I can't seem to find my teeth."

"Come again?", I stammer.

"Ugh, have you seen my teeth?" he asks sheepishly.

"What do you mean your teeth?"

"Well, I mean teeth, you know those things in your mouth used to chew food. Things that you brush twice a day. You know TEETH!", he says, panic practically shaking the words out of him.

I didn't know what to say. I just stood there in disbelief.

"Well, what exactly am I looking for? I mean I didn't know your teeth weren't real."

With a sigh and a bit of calming he said, "I have a partial plate and I am missing my front four teeth."

He then opens his mouth in a weak smile and shows me the place where his top four front teeth should be. Here is my date, my model good looks man smiling at me with no front teeth. And I lose it. I just started to laugh really, really loud. I doubled over with laughter and tears began to rush down my face. Sky just stood there looking at me while I laughed. I tried to tell him that I was sorry and didn't mean to laugh and that I would gladly help him locate his mystery teeth but he wasn't amused. He just looked at me and firmly stated,

"I need my teeth and I'm not leaving without them."

I laugh even harder at the idea of him walking the three miles home toothless.

"OK, so when did you last have your teeth? Do you remember where you last saw them? Can you describe them?" I ask these in mock police investigative tone.

"Forget you," he states and walks away.

"Sky," I plead. "Come on, this is funny. I mean this is seriously funny."

He doesn't answer, just continues to search. After two hours of looking we still have no teeth. All I have to go on is that the night before, after I went to bed, he made a burrito and had his teeth then. He hadn't recalled seeing them sense. He thought he had taken them out before bed, like he usually does, but he was really drunk and couldn't remember. I wanted to ask if he swallowed them, but I thought that would really push him over the edge.

"Well, we can't seem to find them", I say as I usher him towards the door. "I'll call you if they turn up." And with that I slam the door and double over with laughter. Long, hard, seemingly endless laughter. Sky knocks on the door, pleading with me to let him in to continue the search but all I do is laugh. I manage to yell that I'll have a good look around and I will call him. I hear his feet on the tile floor as he walks away.

Once I regained composure I did what any young, single woman would do after realizing her dates teeth are MIA in her home. I called all my friends and told them every single toothless detail.

A few hours later I find the teeth sitting in a glass of water on top of my refrigerator. They were hidden within the leaves of the large philodendren plant that sat atop my refrigerator. I pulled the teeth and began to take a careful look. As I looked on I became angry. Angry at the teeth that brought a quick end to a possible blooming relationship. "Damn teeth," I whispered as I set them down on the coffee table and picked up the phone.

The call was quick. I figured the realtionship was over so why bother holding back on the humor of the moment. I mean it's not everyday I had the opportunity to call someone to tell them that I found their teeth in my house so I planned to make the most of it. When Sky picked up the phone I simply yelled, "I found your teeth!"
He did not find that funny although relief did flood his voice. In a quick, diplomatic manner we set a time for the exchange. He acted as though I was holding them for ransom. I didn't want his teeth. I didn't want him either. I wanted the guy I went out the night before. The one that was fun up until the moment the teeth came out.

About an hour later I found myself standing on Sky's doorstep holding a clear, crystal, juice glass full of teeth and water. As I handed him the glass of teeth I couldn't help but laugh. Just thinking of me carrying a juice glass of teeth out of my apartment building and placing it in the cup holder in my car and then walking the block to Sky's place was just too much to bare. As I laughed Sky just stood there. "It's not funny", he demanded.

"Yeah it is", I chuckled.

And with that I walked away.

I can't say that Dear Abbey or Miss Manners would be proud of how I handled the situation, but then again I doubt those two classy ladies ever had to deal with such a situation. So all in all, I think I did a pretty good job. Besides what do you say to the man who lost his teeth in your house?

"Keep It Real?"